So over the second half of term 3 and into this term 4, I have been gradually inserting myself back into my usual routine. I have been teaching my senior classes and the workload is mounting as we head towards their assessments and end of year events. The problem is I suffer with what I have coined PCB which is kind of slowing me down rather than rising me to the occasion. Don’t get me wrong, my students have been well cared for throughout the year, thanks to my wonderful colleague and close friend. I have ensured that apon my return that they have continued to receive all the love, care, preparation advise and time that I would have normally given them pre-C. The difference is, is that it takes so much longer for me to do it and I feel like I have significant brain malfunction for the want of a better description. We are back, what, 2 and a bit weeks and I am struggling to keep up with the demands. It’s not great!
It’s probably because I spent a long time on the couch, at home, not doing much, nor needing to think about anything other than what was happening to me, (not that a lot of that occurred either). Getting out of bed happened whenever I was ready to, not when the alarm rang at some ridiculously early hour, which isn’t really early by normal standards. Structured days were the ones where I had appointments at the hospital and my hubby took me to those. I relied on him to get me there and back. Not much thought or preparation required there. The hardest brain challenges during those days were following new crochet patterns, deciding when it was absolutely necessary to play fetch with the border collie and working out how to make NETFLIX work on our oldish TV. (That was not a great day by the way, we are lucky that the TV wasn’t thrown out the front door)!
A recent situation that definitely showed me how my ‘Wonder Woman’ status is no longer….a student of mine rang me the other day panicking cause they couldn’t get the school’s PA to work and I had to remind him that he was asking me to help over the phone with equipment that I haven’t had to think about for 7 months! We certainly got there in the end, but the experience left me exhausted, doubtful of any ability to function and frustrated with my PCB. I would normally have actually been there, helping them with setting it up myself, but couldn’t physically or emotionally cope! I would normally put my students’ needs before mine and dare I say, many times, in front of my families’ needs, as would the majority of fellow teachers I know and admire. But I don’t see that in myself anymore…it’s gone and I am sorry for its disappearance.
But anyway, for better or worse, I am back at work, trying my best for the sake of my students. (Part time work, part time leave). I am learning to listen to my body and my brain and know when it’s time to come and go. I am learning how to put myself first while doing what I do. And not feeling bad about it….